You Can't Stop the Roller Coaster, But You Can Learn to Ride It

One of the biggest misconceptions I hear about emotions is that if we could just get rid of the thing causing them, we'd finally feel better.

"If my boss hadn't criticized me..."
"If my spouse would just understand me..."
"If I hadn't gotten that text..."
"If they would just apologize..."

We spend so much of our energy trying to change the event that started our emotions, believing that's where our control lies.

The problem?

Life rarely gives us that kind of control.

DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) teaches something that feels almost backwards at first: while we often have very little control over the event that triggered our emotions, we have far more influence over what happens next than we realize.

I often think of it like riding a roller coaster.

Imagine you've waited in line, buckled into your seat, and the safety bar locks into place. The coaster slowly climbs higher and higher until suddenly—it drops.

Your stomach flips.

Your heart races.

Your muscles tense.

You didn't choose the drop. Once the ride begins, there's no climbing out halfway down the track. The roller coaster is already in motion.

Emotions work much the same way.

A triggering event happens. Maybe someone says something hurtful. Maybe you receive disappointing news. Maybe an old memory unexpectedly surfaces. Before you even have time to think, your body reacts. Your heart pounds. Your breathing changes. Your stomach tightens.

This is where many people believe the story ends.

"The roller coaster is terrifying."

"If only I hadn't gotten on this ride."

"If only the drop hadn't happened."

But that's only one part of the experience.

What Most People Miss

Imagine two people sitting side by side on the exact same roller coaster.

The first person grips the safety bar so tightly their knuckles turn white. They hold their breath. They close their eyes. Every turn confirms their fear that something terrible is about to happen.

The second person feels the same twists and drops. Their heart races too. But they intentionally slow their breathing. They loosen their shoulders. They remind themselves, This feels scary, but I'm safe. This ride will end.

Neither person changed the roller coaster.

They changed how they moved through it.

That's what emotional regulation is.

It isn't pretending the ride isn't scary.

It isn't forcing yourself to enjoy it.

And it certainly isn't making the roller coaster disappear.

It's learning that even while the ride is happening, you still have choices.

The Model of Emotions

One of my favorite things about DBT is that it reminds us emotions are much bigger than the event that triggered them.

A triggering event is simply the beginning.

What happens afterward matters just as much.

Your thoughts begin telling a story.

Your body reacts.

You notice urges—to run away, lash out, withdraw, numb yourself, seek reassurance, or shut down.

Then come your behaviors.

Each one has the potential to either intensify the emotional ride or help you move through it.

This is why two people can experience the exact same event and walk away feeling very differently.

The difference isn't always the event.

It's everything that happens afterward.

This Is Where the Skills Come In

When people hear "distress tolerance," they sometimes assume it means simply surviving until the emotion passes.

It's so much more than that.

Distress tolerance skills are the ways we care for ourselves while we're still on the ride.

Sometimes it's taking slow, intentional breaths instead of holding them.

Sometimes it's grounding yourself by noticing what you can see, hear, or feel.

Sometimes it's distracting yourself long enough for your nervous system to settle before making an important decision.

Sometimes it's splashing cold water on your face, taking a brisk walk, listening to music, calling someone supportive, or simply reminding yourself, I don't have to solve my entire life while I'm overwhelmed.

None of these skills erase the roller coaster.

But they often keep us from making the ride even harder than it already is.

You Have More Influence Than You Think

One of the most hopeful things I've learned through DBT is that emotional regulation isn't about becoming less emotional.

It's about becoming more skillful.

You're still going to have moments when life feels overwhelming.

You're still going to experience fear, sadness, anger, grief, shame, excitement, and joy.

Being emotionally healthy doesn't mean those experiences disappear.

It means learning that your emotions don't have to be the only thing steering the ride.

You can breathe.

You can slow your nervous system.

You can challenge the stories your mind is telling.

You can choose behaviors that move you toward your values instead of away from them.

The ride may still have sharp turns and sudden drops.

But you'll discover something incredibly important.

You're no longer just hanging on and hoping to survive.

You're learning how to ride.

And eventually, even the biggest roller coaster pulls back into the station.

The emotions that once felt endless begin to settle.

Not because the world suddenly became easier, but because you discovered something powerful: your greatest influence isn't always over what happens to you.

It's over how you move through it.

Ready to Learn How to Ride the Ride?

If you've ever felt like your emotions are in the driver's seat—or like you're exhausted from trying to stop the roller coaster altogether—you don't have to figure it out alone.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) isn't about becoming less emotional. It's about learning the skills to navigate life's twists, turns, and unexpected drops with greater confidence and resilience.

At Upstate Integrative Mind Counseling, we help individuals develop practical skills to regulate emotions, tolerate distress, strengthen relationships, and create lives that feel more balanced, intentional, and meaningful.

Whether you're struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, overwhelming emotions, or simply feeling stuck, DBT can help you discover that you have more influence over your emotional experience than you may have ever imagined.

If you're ready to begin your journey, we'd be honored to walk alongside you.

Visit our comprehensive programs page to learn more