Why Knowing Isn't Enough: The Garden That Never Changes

Have you ever walked past a flower bed or a garden and thought, "Wow...those weeds are really getting out of hand."

Maybe you notice them every day.

You wish they weren't there.

You even feel frustrated every time you look at them.

But day after day, nothing changes.

The weeds continue to grow.

At first, they're small and easy to ignore. Then they begin spreading. Before long, they're crowding out the flowers you worked so hard to plant.

Every morning you think, "I really need to do something about those weeds."

Every evening you notice them again.

You complain about how bad they look.

You wonder why they keep getting worse.

You hope they'll somehow die off on their own.

Or maybe someone else will eventually take care of them.

But no one does.

The weeds continue to grow because weeds don't disappear simply because we've noticed them.

As I think about this, I'm reminded of a concept in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) called active passivity.

Active passivity doesn't mean you don't care.

It doesn't mean you're lazy.

It means you recognize there's a problem. You're bothered by it. You think about it. You may even talk about it often. But you find yourself waiting for something outside of you to make it better.

Maybe you're waiting until you feel motivated.

Maybe you're waiting for another person to change first.

Maybe you're waiting for life to slow down.

Maybe you're hoping time alone will fix it.

Meanwhile, the weeds keep growing.

Many of us do this in our own lives.

We know our relationships aren't healthy.

We know our anxiety is becoming overwhelming.

We know we're exhausted, avoiding difficult conversations, or repeating the same patterns.

We see the weeds.

But seeing them isn't the same as pulling them.

Then there is another gardener.

This gardener has read every gardening book they can find.

They know exactly when to water.

They can tell you which fertilizer works best.

They know the difference between annuals and perennials.

They've watched countless videos.

If you asked them how to grow a beautiful garden, they could probably teach a class.

But...

Their own garden is still full of weeds.

Not because they lack knowledge.

Not because they lack intelligence.

Because they haven't stepped into the garden.

This reminds me of another DBT concept called apparent competence.

People who struggle with apparent competence often look like they have everything figured out. They may be highly capable, knowledgeable, and successful. They can explain exactly what needs to happen. They know the coping skills. They understand their patterns. They can often give wonderful advice to other people.

But knowing what to do isn't the same as doing it.

Sometimes the hardest part isn't learning the skill.

It's allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to practice it.

It's getting your hands dirty.

It's admitting you need help.

It's accepting that change happens through repeated effort—not perfect understanding.

I think many of us have a little of both active passivity and apparent competence in us.

Sometimes we wait for the weeds to disappear.

Other times we become experts on gardening without ever picking up the shovel.

Neither approach changes the garden.

What changes the garden are the small, ordinary moments that don't seem particularly impressive.

Pull one weed.

Water the flowers.

Come back tomorrow.

Then do it again.

Healing works much the same way.

We often imagine that change will happen because we finally understand ourselves well enough. Insight is important, but insight alone doesn't create transformation.

Action does.

One difficult conversation.

One boundary.

One therapy appointment.

One coping skill practiced when you'd rather avoid it.

One small act of courage repeated over and over again.

Those small choices may not feel dramatic, but over time they begin to change the landscape of your life.

The beautiful thing about gardens is that they don't become overrun with weeds overnight, and they aren't restored overnight either.

They change one handful at a time.

Maybe today your next step isn't clearing the entire garden.

Maybe it's simply putting on your gardening gloves.

And that's enough.

Because every healthy garden begins with someone willing to step outside and do the next small thing.

If you've recognized some of your own "weeds" in this story, know that you don't have to tend your garden alone.

At Upstate Integrative Mind Counseling, we offer comprehensive, evidence-based programs designed to help individuals move beyond simply understanding their struggles and begin creating meaningful, lasting change. Whether you're navigating anxiety, depression, trauma, emotion dysregulation, relationship challenges, or feeling stuck despite knowing what to do, our team is here to help.

Through individual therapy, DBT, RO-DBT, trauma-informed care, and other specialized services, we help clients develop practical skills, build resilience, and take the small, consistent steps that lead to real transformation.

Healing doesn't happen because you become perfect; it happens because you keep showing up, one step at a time.

If you're ready to stop watching the weeds grow and start cultivating the life you want, we invite you to explore our comprehensive programs and discover how we can support you on your journey.