DBT: Knowing When Not to Take the Controls

I've had the opportunity to do some incredible things while traveling.

I've gone skydiving.

I've parasailed.

I've even flown a plane.

But one adventure stands out for a reason you might not expect.

Hang gliding.

If you've never experienced tandem hang gliding, it's an incredible feeling. You're soaring through the air with breathtaking views stretching for miles. It's peaceful, exhilarating, and unlike anything else I've ever experienced.

As we glided through the sky, my instructor turned to me and asked a simple question.

"Do you want to fly?"

He was offering me the controls.

For just a moment, I thought about it.

How often do you get the opportunity to say you've flown a hang glider?

It would make a great story.

It would certainly be memorable.

But after thinking about it for a second, I smiled and said,

"No, I'm good."

That may not sound like a remarkable decision, but it taught me something about one of my favorite DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills: FAST.

FAST is the skill we use when we want to maintain our self-respect.

The letters remind us to:

• F – Be Fair to yourself and others.

• A – No unnecessary Apologies for having healthy boundaries or preferences.

• S – Stick to your values.

• T – Be Truthful.

Many people think self-respect means always saying yes to opportunities.

Or proving yourself.

Or pushing yourself to do more.

Sometimes it does.

But sometimes self-respect looks like something much quieter.

It looks like knowing yourself well enough to say,

"This is enough."

I wasn't trying to impress anyone.

I wasn't trying to prove I was fearless.

I wasn't worried the instructor would think less of me.

I simply knew that I was exactly where I wanted to be.

I was already having an incredible experience.

I didn't need to take the controls to make it meaningful.

That's what sticking to your values often looks like.

Our culture sometimes tells us that every opportunity should be taken.

That if we say no, we're missing out.

But DBT reminds us that wise decisions aren't made because of pressure or appearances.

They're made because they align with who we want to be.

Think about how often we say yes for reasons that have nothing to do with our values.

We agree because we don't want to disappoint someone.

We volunteer because we feel guilty.

We apologize for having preferences.

We pretend we're comfortable when we're not.

Or we push ourselves simply because we think we should.

FAST invites us to pause and ask a different question.

"When I look back on this decision, will I respect myself?"

Notice that this question isn't asking whether everyone else will approve.

It isn't asking whether someone might be disappointed.

It isn't asking what looks most impressive.

It's asking whether your decision reflects your values.

Sometimes the answer will be yes.

Sometimes the answer will be no.

And sometimes the most self-respecting choice is a simple,

"No, thank you."

That day, I didn't walk away wishing I had taken the controls.

I walked away grateful that I had trusted myself.

The memory isn't special because I flew a hang glider.

It's special because I experienced something incredible without feeling the need to make it something it wasn't.

That's what self-respect feels like.

It's quiet.

It's steady.

And it doesn't need anyone else's permission.

Many of us spend so much energy trying to keep others happy that we lose sight of our own values. DBT's FAST skill teaches us how to maintain self-respect by being fair, avoiding unnecessary apologies, sticking to our values, and being truthful. At Upstate Integrative Mind Counseling, we help individuals build healthier relationships without sacrificing themselves in the process, because the healthiest "yes" often begins with knowing when it's okay to say "no."